Heaven and Hell
by lo-be
Summary: I've added an extra twist to S2's 'Firebomb' - Sydney and Sark meet under very interesting circumstances where Sark tries to, and might succeed in, getting his way with Sydney... Reviews will be highly appreciated! ;)
1. Chapter 1

**Resume 'Firebomb': **

Sloane's recently required doomsday device has been used on a church in Mexico City killing a dozen of people but the actual target, Kabir's ex-wife, is not among the victims because Sydney and Vaughn managed to get to her before the attack. The CIA traces Sark from Mexico City to Kabul and assumes that Sloane is behind the operation. In return for saving her life Kabir's ex-wife provides the CIA with intel about Kabir's compound, which makes it possible for Sydney to access his base with the attempt to disable the weapon. Unfortunately she is captured by Kabir's men…

**Heaven and Hell**

Cold as ice she sat in the interrogation chair just waiting. She had been in this situation numerous times before and had quickly learned that keeping calm was the absolute best move – that way her chances of escaping increased because she was thinking straight remembering everything she had been taught not letting her emotions get the best of her. But it had been a hard task to learn and in some situations she still wasn't able to fully suppress the desperation and panic growing in the back of her mind reminding her that this time she might not make it out alive.

The room she was in was completely dark and in spite of her efforts she wasn't able to make out anything in her surroundings. 'I'm probably in some kind of basement', she thought, while trying to move her arms and legs hoping that the straps with which she had been tied down might loosen if she gave them some resistance. Realizing it didn't work she rested her head on the back of the chair while trying to forget both her throbbing headache and what might happen to her if she didn't find a way out of there soon.

Hearing footsteps she looked up, suddenly being blinded by a bright light forcing her to turn her head downwards while she rapidly blinked trying to give her eyes a chance to adjust.

'Admit you are CIA.' She looked at the man coming out of the shadow immediately recognizing him as Kabir, Sloane's most resent conspirator, and the man she had expected all along. While she merely stared at him he continued,

'Submit to a videotape acknowledging that you are her in violation with international law.' He tried returning her stare, standing upright while looking down at her, but she locked her eyes on his emanating such strength and superiority that it made him feel like he was the one strapped to the chair. He looked away, taking a few steppes backwards, while sending her a sly smile exclaiming,

'I've always hated women like you…' he lit a cigarette, '…strong women who think they can do anything and who have no real respect for men…' Why is he turning this personal? Her curiosity was growing and with it a feeling of insecurity – where was he going with this? Not wanting him to notice her uncertainty she just let her eyes follow him around the room while he talked,

'…to me they are lost, they seem to have forgotten where they belong…' putting out his cigarette he walked towards her, placing his hands on her wrists, while staring her in the face saying, '…which is with their husbands doing exactly as they are told.' He was so close to her that she could feel his breath on her face and she closed her eyes visualizing herself beating the crap out of him. His comment hadn't moved her a bit – she knew he was only trying to get to her, to trick her into talking, and when she slowly opened her eyes she send him a crooked smile making him back of looking utterly pissed.

Though she enjoyed the fact that her sheer presence frustrated him she knew that carrying it too far would be dangerous and she naturally didn't want to provoke him into torturing her any sooner than he had intended. Her face had therefore turned bland when he said,

'But there is one way to break any woman down…' he was standing behind her now placing his right hand on her shoulder slowly letting it slide up towards her neck, '…the oldest form of torture known to man…' While he talked his fingers had reached her chin and he was suddenly standing in front of her holding on to her face more fiercely when she tried to avoid his touch. 'And with a pretty face like that…' he let his thumb caress her cheek, his eyes running down her body, smiling maliciously when he once again looked her in the face, '…I'm sure there are a lot of men willing to break you down.'

Was he serious?! She felt a chill running down her spine but she quickly shook it of when realizing that his threat might be a positive thing – if he really intended to rape her he would have to free her from the chair and if he did that… 'But luckily for you I'm not that kind of person,' Kabir said, interrupting her chain of thought and she couldn't help but look at him confused. 'Is he playing some kind of mind-game with me', she thought and seeing the smirk on his face she concluded that he had to have something planned for her. She didn't like to admit it but not knowing what it was, was driving her crazy.

Kabir suddenly left the room and, as far as she could hear, he was discussing something right outside the door. While quickly reentering he explained, 'I'm am nothing but a simple businessman… and you know Sydney…I have just received an offer too generous to refuse…' She froze. How the hell did he known her name!?! Nervousness was spreading through her body but still she didn't move a muscle – she wasn't about to let him know that he was getting to her. He calmly continued,

'It has come to my attention that you and I have a mutual friend…' he smiled, '…and this friend of ours is going to give me a rather large amount of money if I leave you with him for only an hour…' She looked at him skeptically while he leaned in on her whispering in her ear, '…and you know what darling, I'm not sure what kind of person he is…' With a huge grin on his face he stood up straight beckoning towards the door and she instantly heard someone's footsteps moving towards them.

'Hello Sydney.' That voice unquestionably belonged to Sark, there wasn't a doubt in her mind, and it was quickly confirmed when he stepped out of the shadow greeting her with a wry smile. Kabir walked up to him, saying something, then silently left the room. The next instant Sark pulled up a chair, placing it on her right while saying,

'It has been too long since I've seen you Sydney…' he tilted his head, '…and, believe it or not, I've missed you.' She had been staring straight ahead since he entered the room but when she felt him looking right at her she turned towards him, her face being totally expressionless. He smiled exclaiming, 'Well, you truly are your father's daughter…' Putting his hand on her arm he suddenly looked serious when saying, 'Look, I'm going to cut right to the chase here… I've fancied you for a long time Sydney but I realize that you don't, and probably never will, return my feelings…' he looked down, '… you have made that perfectly clear…' when he raised his head she noticed the look in his eyes – somehow he seemed to express both sadness and longing and simultaneously a very fierce anger and jealousy. He tried finishing his sentence,

'…the problem just is that I'm not ready to accept that.' He had gotten up, not removing his hand from her arm, and as he started moving around her he just let his hand follow him, caressing her while he walked.

She felt nauseated. Partly because the feeling of his touch was loathsome but mostly because of his implications - if he thought that she would ever let him rape her he had to be insane! And again, if that really was his intention he would be forced to release her from the chair, and if he did, she would rip his face of. Suddenly feeling the weight of his hands on her shoulders, eagerly massaging her, every muscle in her body tightened with anger and frustration. 'If I could just get my hands free', she thought, feeling him getting closer while he said,

'I want you Sydney… and I'm going to have you because I know…' he let go of her, pausing to emphasize his point, '…that you aren't strong enough to stop me.' As she saw him appear from behind her she wasn't able to disguise her anger but Sark didn't seem to notice and simply continued, 'I do realize though, that if I let you out of that chair, you would put up quite a fight…' he glanced at her, '…you might even beat the shit out of me and, as arousing as that sounds…' 'Go to Hell!' She snarled, staring at him so intensely, emanating so much self-confidence, that it was obvious to him that she didn't believe he could ever do anything to hurt her. And that seriously upset him,

'That is the one thing I don't like about you Sydney,' he exclaimed, getting agitated, 'you are so condescending towards everybody else because you believe that you're superior to anyone you meet…' he turned around walking towards the door, '…but I'm going to show you that you're not unbreakable!' She tried to see what he was doing in the dark but it was impossible and before she involuntarily started guessing he returned with a small case in his hands. Once again sitting down besides her he silently opened the case uncovering a small ampoule and a syringe. She stared at the case in disbelief while goose bumps were appearing all over her body. He couldn't…! She felt a search of panic go through her and she was letting her guard down making it clear to Sark that he had upset her. With a smug look on his face he said,

'This is Clonopin…' he had picked up the ampoule, '…which is a tranquilizer related to Rohypnol but not quite as strong. That means…' he looked at her, '…that when I give you this, you will only pass out shortly feeling dazed when you wake up and the best part is…' not being able to help himself he smiled, '…that it relaxes your muscles to such a degree that you won't be able to fight back because your body and mind will refuse working together.' Slowly filling the syringe he looked at her with his cold, blue eyes trying to clarify his intentions to get a reaction, 'Meaning that you will know exactly what's going on but you won't be able to do anything about it.'

She was working very hard trying to get her feelings under control but she couldn't block out the desperation spreading through her body. The thought of having sex with Sark repulsed her so much that she felt physically ill and she couldn't remember ever having been in a worse situation. Trying to suppress her emotions, to stay calm and clearheaded didn't work – she was terrified when Sark injected the needle saying, 'I'm going to break you down Sydney, when I'm through with you…' 'You miserable son of a bitch!' She snarled, 'you'll never get away with this!' Most of all she wanted to give in, to cry, scream and yell but she knew it wouldn't do her any good and there was no way she was going to give him that pleasure. He smiled maliciously at her outburst, calmly replying, 'Oh yes I will. Do you really think it will make any difference if I rape you or not? I'm already on the CIA's 'most wanted' list…' he extracted the syringe pressing his thumb against her arm to stop the small wound from bleeding while continuing, '…and I can't imagine that anything I do to you would put me in a worse position than I already am.'

Knowing that he was right she sat back in the chair, closing her eyes, concentration on fighting of the drug, which had already made her dizzy. Lightly shaking her head she looked up but her vision was a blur and soon after she felt herself surrendering to a force stronger than her willpower.

- - - - -

She uttered an anguished moan, turning the white out of her eyes, when a fierce blow hit her on the side of her head forcing her to slowly regain consciousness. 'Wake up! I don't want you sleeping through this,' someone yelled, and at that moment she couldn't really remember where she was or who she was with. Feeling tired and confused she slowly opened her eyes, blinking hard to fight of the blurriness, soon realizing that she was lying on the floor of a dark room. An urge to get up flushed over her and she tried pushing herself into a more upright position when everything suddenly came back to her. Frantically she tried sitting up but her muscles didn't respond well and her every movement was delayed and weak making her effort to get up look pathetic.

'I see you have responded well to the medication,' Sark stated, kneeling besides her, lightly touching the red bruise appearing near her cheekbone, 'I didn't mean hurting you like that but it was taking you a little longer to wake up than I had anticipated.' She glanced at him knowing he was lying – his posture and facial expression made it obvious that he was enjoying hurting her, having her in his power, and that literally scared the shit out of her. Her head felt heavy and she closed her eyes imagining being somewhere else when she felt Sark's hands traveling up her thighs. She looked down, and when seeing him sitting by her feet, caressing her legs, a feeling of both repulsion and frustration overwhelmed her. Her will to fight him was so strong but, for the first time during her adult life, she couldn't defend herself, and that was devastating to her – almost more devastating than feeling her assailant pulling of her pants leaving her in nothing but panties from the waist down.

With a broad grin he moved in closer, pushing up her top, allowing himself to kiss her lower stomach while he took a hold of her panties ripping them of the next instant. The thought of being so close to hurting and humiliating her was unbelievably arousing and he couldn't resist her – and why should he? Opening his pants he uncovered his erect member thereafter easily splitting her legs apart snarling,

'I am disappointed in you Sydney – aren't you even going to resist me?' He wanted a reaction from her, something indicating that he was in control. That this was obvious wasn't good enough for him he wanted to hear it from her, and with that in mind he leaned in on her, nearing her opening, when exclaiming, 'I want to hear you scream!' With one violent thrust he penetrated deeply awaiting her response. And he got what he wanted. Hearing her cry out with despair and pain exited him to such a point that he quickly repeated the motion, this time expecting another uncontrolled outburst, but to his disappointment, not hearing one.

Every cell in her body had screamed in protest when she first felt Sark's hands forcing her legs apart but she had tried to ignore her body's signals when knowing that fighting him of was impossible. She just wanted to get it over with. Having closed her eyes she felt him getting ready to enter her and she ordered herself not to make a sound – determent to make this the least pleasurable as possible for him. Knowing that the Clonopin would make it easier for him to penetrate her she didn't think the pain would be unbearable and her promise to herself about keeping quiet wouldn't be impossible to keep. But it was. Her outburst had been caused by pain but it was of a more emotional than physical kind – when feeling him inside her she realized what was happening and how miserable it made her feel. Vaughn was the only man allowed to see her naked, to kiss, touch, and make love to her and that Sark was violating their relationship was causing her more pain than any form of torture.

He had gotten closer to her, their chests now touching, his hands running up and down her breasts and stomach while his eager lips where kissing her throat and she tried concentrating on distancing herself from him emotionally to avoid crying. That was a battle she was determent to win – he might be able to take her body, but her mind was her own, and if she broke down and cried he would have gotten to her both physically and mentally and that was not going to happen!

Therefore she just lay there, staring straight ahead, trying to make her mind wander off when suddenly hearing Sark whisper to her in a voice filled with hatred and jealousy, 'How does it feel finally to have a real man, hu?!?' He raised his head, his eyes piercing right through her as he continued, 'someone who can actually perform instead of that limp-dick boyfriend of yours!' He smiled, with one hand grabbing the back of her head as though insuring that she couldn't move, stating, 'I know he's not really the one you want to be with…' then pressing his lips against hers in a long, fierce kiss. With a smug look on his face he broke away sending her a self-satisfied glance exclaiming, '…because if he was…' he began thrusting harder as though exited by his own words, '…you wouldn't be enjoying this so much!'

She closed her eyes, trying very hard to ignore his words, but she could no longer escape reality and her eyes were rapidly filling with tears. 'I can't believe this is happening to me, she thought, doing her best to keep herself from crying. 'I'm a spy for crying out loud! I should be able to control myself under any circumstances, not give in to a bastard like Sark's mind-games!' Noticing the change in her eyes Sark was gloating and he rasped, 'I knew I would break you down Sydney Bristow, it was just a matter of time…' he forced her to look him straight in the eye when continuing, '…I want to see you cry, you little bitch!'

Looking into the eyes of the man she hated so much, she realized something - she might be a spy, having learned to suppress all her emotions to stay rational in any situation, but she was also just a person capable of hurting and suffering. And what was happening to her now was too much. Hearing his breath in her ear, smelling the sweat on his body, tasting his mouth on her lips, and, worst of all, feeling him move inside her, touching her allover was the worst thing that had ever happened to her and she was miserable, humiliated and scared. Who could blame her if she cried?

Thinking about Vaughn, how much she missed him, and how she hoped to see him again, she let her emotions overcome her and tears immediately started running down her face. As though thriving on her vulnerability Sark was overwhelmed when seeing her tears and with one last thrust he spilled inside her, thereafter collapsing on her chest, breathing heavily. 'Get of me you son of a bitch,' she thought, feeling her despair turn into rage, and all she wanted was to push him away. As if he had read her mind he got up, quickly dressing, hereafter picking up her clothes, kneeling besides her.

'It won't be long before the drugs start wearing off…' he said, caressing her face, '…and I think I have to render you harmless before attempting to move you.' Having noticed that her body was slowly regaining some control she had hoped he would leave her alone long enough for her to surprise him but that obviously wasn't going to happen. Sark quickly continued, 'So if I don't see you soon Sydney…' he leaned in on her, '…I want to say goodbye properly…' Placing his lips on hers he coaxed his tongue into her mouth, eagerly investigating every part of it.

Her first thought was to pull away from him but he had taken a firm hold of the back of her head and at this point she had far from regained full muscle control. Not wanting to let him get away with his actions anymore she used the little strength she had to bite down as hard as she could on his tongue, making him break away with a cry, 'God damn it!' Covering his mouth with his hand he frowned, sending her an angry scowl while clenching his fists exclaiming, 'You shouldn't have done that Sydney…' hereafter quickly knocking her unconscious.

- - - - -


	2. Chapter 2

Her mind was a mess when the combination of bright light and voices once again made her regain consciousness. Her mouth was dry and her head was throbbing but none of it mattered – all she cared about was trying to forget the vivid memory of what she wished had been a bad dream. But the unpleasant and buzzing feeling in her abdomen ruled out any doubts she might have had about whether or not the assault really had taken place and the realization made her nauseous.

'So, did you have fun?' Hearing a pompous voice she lifted her head, noticing that Kabir was standing a few feet away from her, looking pleased. The smirk on his face made it obvious that her misery amused him and he slowly continued,

'I hear that Mr. Sark really put you in your place…' he beckoned towards the door where a guard instantly responded, bringing in a small tray, which he placed on a table to her left. Making sure that they were once again alone Kabir walked towards the table, picking up one of the implements, while laughing, '…and you know what? I'm going to help you stay there!'

There was no response. She just glanced at him with her tired, expressionless eyes, looking like she hadn't even seen him when she slowly turned her head away staring out into the dark room. The truth was that she had seen him, she just didn't care – feeling both emotionally and physically drained, her body and mind was numb, and no torture, threats or degrading comments could make her respond. She had simply given in. The hopelessness was overriding and the only rational thought in her mind was that she would never betray the agency. Besides from that, nothing else mattered.

'My offer is simple…' Kabir said, fiddling with the small hammer and chisel he had taken from the tray, trying to agitate her, '…just admit you are CIA and I might let you live.' When she ignored him completely he most of all wanted to give her a good beating but he enjoyed dragging the psychological torture on and therefore he calmly stated, 'Take some time to think about it.' He put the implements back on the tray, turning his back on her, hereafter quickly leaving the room.

- - -

'_Sydney…' The voice was slurred and it was impossible for her to hear where it came from but never the less she immediately knew who had spoken. 'Vaughn!' She sobbed, looking around frantically, her heart beating faster than ever before, 'where are you!' She couldn't see him anywhere but he had to be there, she had just heard him! 'I'm right here Syd…' When she turned her head she saw him kneeling besides her and tears immediately started running down her face while she mumbled, 'Michael, I never thought I would see you again! How…' He stood up, wiping her tears away with his thumb, trying to convince her, 'You're safe now, I'll take you home…' he kissed her cheek, '…it's all over.' Looking at him she couldn't help but think that this was too good to be true…_

'Enough!' The loud, demanding voice shocked her, making her open her eyes that instant, feeling a huge knot in her stomach when seeing Kabir rushing towards her. 'No, please no!' The words repeated themselves in her head when she realized that it had been a dream… Just a dream. He had never actually been there.

'The cartilage that lets the kneecap slide around does not regenerate…' Kabir had rolled up her trouser leg, anticipating some kind of confession when he placed the chisel on her bare knee, but she didn't react and he stated, '…which you should know in advance of this.' Looking tired and beat she sent him a despondent glance, almost allowing him to go ahead. She was through. No one was coming for her. She slowly closed her eyes visualizing Vaughn, Will, Francie, everyone she cherished, wishing that she could see them again, that she would get a chance to tell them how much she loved them, but knowing that that was a chance she would probably never get.

Taking a deep breath she felt Kabir getting ready to strike, when a shattering sound made her flinch. Gunshots! Before realizing what was going on she saw Kabir crumple to the floor, bleeding from two wounds to his stomach, and with disbelief she stared at the man almost running towards her, quickly kneeling in front of her, while asking,

'You okay?' His beautiful green eyes were filled with concern for her, and she instantly nodded, wanting to reassure him. With out hesitation he freed her hands and she reached out to him, gently touching his face to make sure that this time he wasn't just a figure of her imagination. Having convinced herself that it really was Vaughn she most of all wanted to tell him the truth – reveal to him that she wasn't okay… That she was far from okay. But he looked so happy, so relieved that they had found her, and she knew how hurt and angry he would be if he found out what Sark had done to her. So she kept quiet, convincing herself that this wasn't the time or the place, even though her feelings told her otherwise.

'I don't understand… how… how did you find a way in?' She asked hesitantly, when the light suddenly was switched on and a well-known voice filled the room,

'Let's go! We've got the device!' Recognizing the voice immediately she stood up, turning towards the man standing at the entrance, almost breaking into tears when seeing him. Dixon! She was shaking all over when covering her eyes with her hand, trying to hide her tears, and realizing that Dixon had to have jeopardized his marriage to come save her – he had no way of knowing how much that meant to her.

When Dixon once again reminded them to hurry, she nodded, letting Vaughn put her arm around his neck. As he hereafter gently placed his hand on her back to support her on their way out, she suddenly felt strange. Vaughn's touch was in one way reassuring and comforting, but in another way it was reminding her of Sark and therefore making her feel uncomfortable. Looking at the man supporting her she disregarded the feeling – this was Vaughn, the man she had been in love with for so long, how could his touch be anything but appreciated?

Never the less she broke away from him when they reached the doorway, trying to prove that she was okay, hereafter quickly following the two men as they ran out of the room. She was regaining control, no longer crying, but instead beginning to rationalize what had happened to her to make the assault seem insignificant. 'I'm fine, I really am fine,' she thought, glancing at the man in front of her, gathering her thoughts for just a moment before concluding,

'Maybe he doesn't need to know….'

- - -

The flowing stearin was oozing down the recently lid candle participating in creating a very cosy atmosphere within the boundaries of Sydney's bathroom. She had just finished undressing and while taking the first step into the bathtub, she concentrated on clearing her mind, only focusing on one thing; after she had washed, every part of Sark still on her would be gone, and she would therefore be able to start forgetting the incident. Both her mind and body would be clean.

When submerging herself in the warm, cleansing water she was oblivious to anything but her own thoughts and she almost didn't hear Vaughn coming towards her before he actually stood there handing her a glass of red wine. She took it, trying to avoid direct eye-contact while reconsidering whether or not to tell him what had happened, soon concluding that no, she wasn't going to tell him. There was no reason to hurt him unnecessarily when there was nothing he could do about it. And, she took a sip of wine shyly smiling at him when she handed the glass back, it was nothing she couldn't handle on her own.

'The Kings are in town on Friday…' Vaughn sent her one of his usual charismatic smiles while continuing, '…we could watch the zamboni.'

Her arm was resting on the side of the tub and he gently placed his hand on it, hoping he might get a reaction from her. He had been trying to talk to her all night but she seemed so withdrawn, only answering direct questions, and she looked so sullen, as if she had a lot on her mind. Something she obviously wasn't interested in sharing with him. When she just stared straight ahead he looked down, feeling awkward, taking a sip of wine while wondering what could be bothering her.

She withdrew her arm, taking a deep breath while trying to figure out what to say to him. Not wanting to tell him the truth she cleared her throat, bringing up at subject she knew would be on her mind if nothing else had happened,

'What we saw… in the church. Every time we think we've seen the worst…' She slid further down into the tub, closing her eyes, trying to shut out the pain she felt when thinking about her real problem. It was unfair – why did it have to happen to her?

Seeing the pain in her face he almost felt foolish for not having realized what had been bothering her, and he reached out to her, forcing her to look at him while he stroked her face, wanting to comfort her. But as he looked her in the eye he had a feeling that there was more to the story than she told him and he wanted to ask her about it, encourage her to confide in him, but he knew that pressuring her wouldn't get him anywhere. She would tell him in her own time.

'Are you hungry?' He tried a different approach, asking her a question so neutral and empty that she couldn't refuse answering, and she slowly nodded, giving him a chance to suggest,

'What about Chinese? I can go get some.' He put the wine glass down, waiting for her reply, watching her sit up a little straighter, stating,

'Sure, that would be nice…' Giving her a light kiss he got up, almost in a hurry, telling her that he would be back in 30, then leaving the house without further delays.

Watching him go she almost felt relieved – his presence was in some inexplicable way unsettling and she just wanted to be alone, to try and work through her issues on her own.

Taking a sponge from the top of a counter by the tub, she started scrubbing herself, wanting to get rid of Sark for good. She no longer wanted to see him when she closed her eyes or feel his hands when ever Vaughn touched her – she wanted him off her body and off her mind! Thinking about him her every movement became more fierce and violent and she practically hurt herself when trying to clean different parts of her body, because she realized that it didn't help! No matter how hard she scrubbed she still felt him on her, forcing her, hurting her, and she clenched her teeth trying to keep the pain and frustration inside, to keep herself under control. But her feelings soon overcame her and with a desperate cry she threw the sponge through the room, feeling tears streaming down her face. With no attempt to stop them she put her arms around her knees, resting her forehead on them, just letting herself go. She no longer knew what to do.

- - -

Not knowing how much time had gone by she got out of the tub determent to dry of and get dressed before Vaughn got back. The thought of him seeing her naked was very unappealing to her and she quickly grabbed a towel, starting to wrap it around herself, when she noticed something on her groin. Letting her fingers run over it she frowned, feeling angry when realizing what it was – it wasn't enough that he had raped her, he had to mark her too! Standing there, sending Sark straight to hell in her thoughts, she suddenly heard something behind her, and with a surprised gasp she turned around.

It hadn't taken him as long as he thought to get to the small Chinese place down town, and his hunger had made him return even faster. Anxious to start eating he had put the food on the kitchen table, removing his jacket, hereafter silently walking towards the bedroom with the intention to tell Sydney that he was home. Hearing her move about in the bathroom he was on the verge of calling out to her, but as he reached the doorway some indescribable force stopped him, making him stand back with utter admiration.

An all consuming feeling of love and passion immediately filled him, sparking both a physical and emotional reaction the instant he saw the beautiful woman standing by the bathtub, swiftly wrapping a big, white towel partially around herself. Her body was still glistening wet but her hair only seemed damp and a few strands were elegantly framing in her face, making it impossible for him to do anything but study her carefully, while holding his breath, not wanting to disturb her. 'She is so beautiful…' he thought, watching her while she gracefully took a few steps, attempting to start drying off. He then changed his mind, 'No, she isn't just beautiful… she is much more than that.'

Through the years he had known a lot of beautiful women but the moment he had met Sydney it had been obvious that she was different. She wasn't just another attracting woman, she was a complex, intelligent and intriguing person full of ideas, principles and believes and that fascinated him more than anyone could know. For the first time in his life he had found a woman who could also be his best friend, someone he could share all aspects of his life with – someone who he knew always would be there for him. 'A match made in Heaven,' he thought, considering how great they were together and how much he… Almost feeling sloppy he paused, telling himself how stupid it was that he didn't just let her know that he loved her. How hard could it be! But he had never been very good at talking about his emotions, and by the look on her face he concluded that this wasn't the time. He hadn't noticed until now but she still looked depressed, even angry, and he hated the fact that he couldn't help her – that she wouldn't let him. 'But maybe I can take her mind of things,' he thought, feeling his need for her grow as he snuck towards her, making her turn around with a gasp when she first heard him.

Her reaction was far from what he had expected. The second she saw him she covered up completely, almost on reflex it seemed, and instead of greeting him she managed to fully avoid his touch exclaiming, 'God Vaughn! You scared me!' His otherwise so self-confident smile faded, the fire in his eyes being put out, instantly replaced by concern and worry – no mission had ever gotten to her like this one, she had never let it. What was so different this time?

Completely taken aback he frowned, not knowing how to respond. She was really shaken up – standing there she looked fragile and insecure, clinging to her towel as though it was a lifeline. He couldn't stand it anymore, he had to know what was going on! Taking a few steps towards her, he begged,

'Sydney, what's wrong? Please talk to me!'

'I can't…' she whispered in a voice far from audible, feeling her throat contract, while looking up at Vaughn doing her best to smile when saying, 'I'm just a little besides myself today… that's all… I think I need a vacation.' The unsatisfied look on his face made it obvious that he didn't believe her and she almost wanted to tell him the truth while standing there waiting for his reply.

She was lying. There wasn't a doubt in his mind, and he was getting irritated – what had happened that was so bad she couldn't tell him? Sydney usually never had a problem with telling him how she felt or if something bothered her and she therefore needed some space, so why did she lie? Why wouldn't she confide in him? He stared at her, involuntarily showing her how he felt, and she responded by walking up to him saying,

'Vaughn I'm sorry… but I just…' she paused, her eyes showing her sincerity and thoughtfulness when she slowly continued, '… I just have a problem and I feel that it's too personal to share with you. I need some time, that's all, and then I'll be all right. You don't have to worry.'

He nodded, indicating that he had understood what she said, but still he didn't know what to make of it. "Too personal"? They loved each other! She could tell him anything. He wanted her to tell him everything…

'I put the food in the kitchen, just come out when you're ready and we'll eat.' While he talked he smiled at her half-heartedly, starting to turn around and leave the room. She just nodded, letting him go.

- - -

Their dinner had been terribly awkward and Sydney wasn't feeling well when she sat down on her bed preparing to go to sleep. She was unbelievably tired but in spite of that she was afraid that she wouldn't be able to fall asleep – she feared nightmares and recollections of what had happened, and in some way it also upset her that she was going to share her bed with Vaughn. Considering that last thought she frowned – it was so wrong of her to think like that! If she could choose between anyone, Vaughn was the one man she would want to be with, but still he was a man. And right now all men were the epitome of hurt and humiliation to her and no matter how loving, caring and gentle he was Vaughn was no exception.

Spotting her boyfriend as he entered the room, she looked at him closely, telling herself over and over again how stupid she was for feeling the way she did. Vaughn was her lover, her soul mate, and best friend and she wanted to be able to let him touch her, hold her, and love her the way he used to – she just didn't know how to deal with her emotions…

As she watched Vaughn undress a thought came to her – maybe she should just do it! If she forced herself to make love to Vaughn she might remember how wonderful being with a man could be and all her terrible memories would vanish. She knew it was a very naïve idea but she desperately wanted to believe it, and when Vaughn lay down on the bed she moved to her side, sending him a warm, seductive look of affection.

He couldn't figure her out. All night she had seemed withdrawn and depressed, barely wanting to speak to him, avoiding his touch at every chance she got, and now she was inviting him to get closer to her. It didn't make sense! His first thought was to turn her down – he didn't like the idea of being intimate with her when they were having problems but still he felt his body respond, aching to hold her tight, to make sure she still wanted him, and to tell her how happy he was that she had returned from Mexico without any injuries. So he turned to her, taking her in his arms, saying, 'I'm so glad you're not hurt Sydney, I wouldn't know what to do if something happened to you…' As he started kissing her throat she suddenly stiffened and he instantly pulled back, gently caressing her face while asking,

'Are you sure you want this?'

She nodded, emphasizing her point by putting her arms around his neck, firmly guiding his lips towards hers, and he finally relaxed, convinced that she wanted him as much as he wanted her. But he was wrong. When they finally kissed, the knot in Sydney's stomach became more dominant trying to convince her that this wasn't something she wanted to do. But she was determent to go through with it and she therefore ignored her body's desperate reaction when Vaughn's searching hand quickly found her breast. As he let his hand run down her stomach, several charges of panic rushed through her, and she tried so hard not to let him see her reaction. She didn't want him to know that she wasn't enjoying it but when he began caressing her hip and thigh, attempting to let his fingers slide down into her panties, she felt like she couldn't breath, her eyes filling with water as one sentence kept repeating itself in her head; _'I want to hear you scream! I want to hear you scream! I want to hear you scream!'_

With a desperate sob she pushed him of off her, quickly getting out of bed, exclaiming in a tearful voice, 'No, I can't!' She was standing there by the bed, her hand shaking as she ran it through her hair, trying to pull herself together and stop crying. Not knowing what had just happened, but somehow feeling responsible, Vaughn almost ran up to her, asking, 'God Sydney, what's wrong! Please, please tell me what's wrong!' He was on the verge of tears himself, seeing the woman he loved so devastated, not being able to help her. When he reached out to her she took a step back, trying to explain, 'I… I just can't be with you right now Vaughn… I don't know what's happening to me…'

Her hand was still going through her hair, tucking the same strands behind her ear over and over again, when Vaughn suddenly noticed something. Her tank top was leaving a small piece of her lower stomach uncovered and it looked like she had been hurt somehow - when he took a closer look he realized what it was, feeling a surge of jealousy and rage wash over him, and as calmly as he could he asked her, 'Sydney, what is that?' Without giving her a chance to reply he shook his head with disbelief, adding, 'Is that… is that a bite mark?'

She looked him deep in the eyes, wanting to let him know that she was sorry, that the bite mark hadn't gotten there with her consent and she took a deep breath, starting to say something, when Vaughn cut her off,

'Are you cheating on me?'

It made perfect sense. Her 'problem too personal to discuss', the way she had been avoiding him, flinching every time he touched her – she was seeing someone else, some perverted creep who enjoyed biting her! What other explanation could there be?

'No! No Vaughn of course not! I would never cheat on you!' The desperation in her voice was obvious and she just wanted to explain. But how could she?

'Then how the hell do you explain it!' He yelled, feeling so terribly hurt, 'how could you do this to me?'

'I didn't!' She yelled, wanting to defend herself, 'do you really think I would let anyone bite me like that for fun?' She stared at him, her tear-stricken face showing her unease when she suddenly decided that she had to tell him – she had to give him an explanation and she didn't want to lie to him anymore. Clearing her throat she admitted, 'Something happened to me… in Mexico…'


	3. Chapter 3

She felt the words getting stuck in her throat as the whole experience came back to her. How was she going to tell him? All she wanted was to forget what had happened not go through it all over again! If she never had to mention anything about it again she would count her blessings, and she feared Vaughn's reaction more than anyone's – what would he do? She looked down trying to blink away tears while considering; what if he thought any less of her because of it? What if he didn't respect her anymore, because she had let Sark…

'What do you mean?' The sternness in Vaughn's voice made her look up, realizing that she had stopped talking, making her otherwise so calm and loving boyfriend send her an impatient and cold stare. He obviously didn't think that she could have a reasonable explanation and, even though he tried to hide it, the hurt and disappointment was shining through him, giving her all the reason she needed to make up her mind – if she told him, there was a chance that he would leave her because of it, she was convinced of that, but if she didn't tell him their relationship would almost definitely be over, because she knew that no lie would fool him anymore. It was obvious what she had to do.

'It wasn't just Kabir who…' she chose her words carefully, '… interrogated me when I was captured…' She felt herself tremble a little when getting closer to reveling a small part of her secret, '…Sark was there too…'

'Sark!' Vaughn's eyes where glowing with frustration, 'Sydney, why didn't you tell me! If I had known, we might have been able to catch him and…'

'Let me finish Vaughn! Please!' The determination in her voice stunned him, making him realize that he had let his anger run away with him, not giving her a fair chance to tell him what was going on. Therefore he stood back, waiting for her to continue, wanting nothing more than for her to explain herself, to convince him that she hadn't had sex with another man, that that mark had gotten there in some other way. But deep down he still didn't believe that she could…

'Kabir had struck some kind of deal with Sark, leaving the execution of my torture up to him, and Sark he… he…' struggling with every word all the memories flushed over her – every action, comment and emotion filled her mind as she stuttered,

'…he was just so nasty Vaughn, the things he said to me… you wouldn't believe what he… what he did to me! I've never been so scared in my life… and when I… when I found myself lying there… on the floor… and his hands just were…everywhere…' She was rambling, her face distorted with pain and anguish, tears streaming down her face, as the expression in Vaughn's eyes suddenly changed.

His heart missed a beat when he realized what she was trying to tell him. The impact her words had on him was tremendous and he caught himself looking at her with disbelief while asking,

'Sydney did he… did he hurt you?'

He desperately didn't want her to say what he expected her to, and when he saw her trying to wipe her tears away, sending him a look of utter devastation, he most of all wanted to cry himself.

'I didn't want you to know this but …' she looked away, nervously tucking on her top while continuing, '…Sark raped me… that son of a bitch raped me!'

He was at a total loss of words. Not knowing what to say or do, not even knowing how to feel, he just stood there letting her statement sink in. How could he have been so wrong? Sydney had been violated, bit, and raped and on top of it he had accused her of… of sleeping with someone else! He had never even considered that something like this could ever happen to her…not to a woman like Sydney… Taking a few steps towards her, he uttered,

'Oh god Syd, I'm sorry…' his eyes showing his sympathy when he stopped in front of her, gently taking her hand, adding, '… how can I…I mean…what did he…'

He was so confused. Not knowing how to handle this, what to say to her to make her feel better, he found himself stumbling over his words, trying to find out what had happened, but not daring to ask her straight out.

She withdrew her hand, somehow sensing what it was he wanted to know, not feeling up to telling him the details. There was no need for her to share every humiliating part of the assault with him, she was ashamed enough as it was, and doing so would just make her embarrassment worse. She couldn't even forgive herself for letting Sark do this to her, so how could she expect him to do so? The less he knew, the better.

'You want to know what happened?' Before he had a chance to confirm her prediction she continued, 'He drugged me so I couldn't fight back… he drugged and raped me…' That was al she wanted to tell him, and to her, that was more than enough. Seeing the sudden understanding in Vaughn's face she felt so shameful – how could she have let this happen?

Realizing how she was hurting he most of all wanted to take her in his arms – to hold her tight, comfort her, and try to convince her that he would be there no matter what. That he would always love and protect her to the very best of his abilities. But he knew that she would shun him, avoid him as well as she could if he tried to approach her, and he didn't want to make her feel worse than she already did.

Suppressing a sudden urge to question her, to ask her to explain what had happened, how she felt, and what he could do, a thought suddenly came to mind; what if he had followed his gut-instinct that day she was captured? If he had told her to aboard the mission when it became clear that the intel they'd received was useless? Then Sydney wouldn't have gone looking for another way in and she might never have been… assaulted. At this time his thoughts didn't seem absurd to him in any way – he was in too much of a shock to think straight – and he was feeling so guilty and helpless, a part of him wanting nothing more than to run away and think, but the other part knowing that he had to stay there and be strong – for Sydney. He therefore calmly asked,

'Please tell me what happened Syd. Don't you think it'll help if you talk about it?'

Even though his sincerity was obvious, the question still irritated her, and she exclaimed,

'Don't you get it! I don't want you to know what happened! He humiliated me Vaughn, and I don't want to talk to you about it!'

With an annoyed motion she swiftly turned away from him, deep down wanting to try and make him understand what was going through her head but not feeling that she had the words to tell him.

'Then what about Barnett? She's a professional and you'll be able to talk to someone who's not…' his suggestion had come promptly but her reply was even quicker,

'No!' The fear in her eyes was evident as she looked at him, exclaiming,

'I can't do that! Then everyone finds out what happened! They'll know that I let Sark rape me!'

That she 'let' Sark rape her? He couldn't believe his own ears – did she really blame herself for what had happened? Thinking that she could have prevented it somehow! Even though he had promised himself that he wouldn't try and touch her, he spontaneously reach out to her as he exclaimed,

'You didn't let him rape you Sydney! He tied you down, drugged you, and then raped you! It's not your fault! There is nothing you could have done!'

When she ignored his statement completely he felt his stomach turn into a huge knot as it became clear to him how scared he was for her – if she wouldn't talk to him or to a psychologist then how was she going to get through this? How would she be able to go on with her life if she felt like this all the time? And what if…what if some other terrible thing happened to her on a mission and he wasn't able to protect her… again. Watching her, his feeling of guilt reappeared, and he said,

'I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you Syd… that I couldn't protect you…'

The interruption was instant,

'What!' She was staring at him, her anger becoming more visible when she yelled, 'this was exactly why I didn't want to tell you! I don't need you to protect me Michael! I've been taking care of myself ever since I can remember and just because that bastard hurts me doesn't mean that I lose the ability to think or act on my own behalf!'

Clenching her fists with rage she continued,

'I won't let him have that power over me Vaughn! Over us! He didn't do anything to me, that I can't handle, and he's not going to ruin my life!'

But he was ruining her life and she knew it. She had no idea how to deal with her emotions and they were driving her insane. One minute she was angry, the next she was ashamed and scared, and she couldn't seek comfort anywhere, because the one man she loved reminded her too much of the one she hated.

With her every word Vaughn felt himself getting more and more pissed. It wasn't so much what she said that upset him, it was her appearance, her body language, and her tone – all revealing to him that she, the most important person in his life, had been through hell, and if he didn't help her somehow he was afraid that he might lose the Sydney he knew and loved. But he couldn't figure out what to do and as he stood there, letting his rage fill him completely, he was for the first time able to fully comprehend what had actually happened to her. Sark had dehumanized her, used her as an object he could play with and control, with no regards to anything but his own pleasure and amusement. He had kissed and touched her in a way only someone she was intimate with was allowed to, and when doing so he had succeeded in shattering her completely, making her doubt if she could ever trust any man again. Sexually and emotionally. 'Meaning that our relationship may never be the same,' he thought, clenching his teeth, turning his back on Sydney while taking some deep breaths trying to control his anger. If he ever got the chance to get back at that son of a bitch he wouldn't hesitate. He couldn't let him get away with what he had done.

'I didn't mean to yell at you like that…' he turned towards her as she continued, '…but I'm just so screwed up right now.' She sat down on the bed, covering her face with her hands, and when he joined her she glanced at him, adding,

'I can't get the image of him, lying on top of me, out of my head and it's driving me crazy! Sometimes all I can think about is revenge – humiliating him as much as he did me – but most of the time I just…' He could see how she tried to suppress the tears appearing in the corners of her eyes as she said,

'…I just want to feel safe again. To be a whole person… and in a way I want to be held and comforted…'

'Then let me do that!' he exclaimed, not understanding how she could say such a thing when she had turned down his every attempt to comfort her.

'I can't!' She had gotten up, sending him a sad glance while saying, 'because you're a man and every time you touch me I'm reminded of Sark…'

'Then don't see me as a man!' He got up, walking towards her while he quickly added, 'See me as a person – a person who wants nothing more than to take care of you, to love you and comfort you, and to make sure that you're safe! That's all I want Sydney…'

Looking at him in a totally different light she suddenly understood what he meant – he was just a person, a person she loved, so why shouldn't she feel safe around him? Why couldn't he be the one to comfort her?

With a sob she walked towards him, throwing her arms around his neck while burying her face in his t-shirt, just letting herself cry.

Feeling the closeness of their embrace Vaughn couldn't remember ever being more relieved – they were touching without him noticing any restrictions on her part and he just enjoyed the feeling of her body next to his. But he couldn't shake off the insecurity lurking in the back of his mind reminding him that Sydney wasn't okay yet, that she still needed help even though she apparently felt more comfortable around him now. He therefore asked,

'Are you sure about Barnett?' He gently stroked the back of her head as he continued, 'Everything you tell her is confidential you know, and even if someone did find out what happened they wouldn't respect you any less because of it… '

Letting go of him she looked up, not really knowing what to say. In her mind she really wanted herself to feel attracted to him again, to long for his touch and kisses, but her mind and emotions were severely separated and she didn't feel that way – at all. During their embrace she had been comforted – in a way – but at the same time she had been reminded of Vaughn's masculinity making her recall every disgusting part of what had happened to her.

'I don't know about Barnett…' she looked him deep in the eyes when adding, '…but I'm still not comfortable being close to you Vaughn. I thought I was but I…'

'Then just tell me what you're comfortable with and we'll take it from there', he said, sending her a somewhat reassuring smile.

'But I don't know what I want and don't want! That's the problem…' Her confusion was obvious as she sat down on the bed, letting her fingers run through her hair while she said,

'Can't we leave it at this and go to bed? I just want a break from the whole matter… see if I can forget it for a while…'

'Sure,' he said, and as he sat down besides her he added,

'Do you want me to sleep on the couch tonight? I can understand if you want to be alone…'

She quickly shook her head saying, 'No, I want you in here with me…' then got up, moving to her own side of the bed. Her reason for wanting him to stay in the room was utterly selfish – his presence had become reassuring somehow, making her feel more safe than she did when she was alone, and deep down it was nice knowing that he would protect her no matter what happened. Even though that was something she would never admit.

Feeling her lie down besides him Vaughn silently turned out the light saying,

'Goodnight Syd,' and when hearing her reply he turned to his side, closing his eyes, just letting himself think. Even though he had seemed calm and rational almost all night, he had far from felt that way, and all his different emotions were still filling his head, threatening to leave him sleepless. There was especially one thing that was bothering him and that was the feeling he had of rejection. He knew that Sydney wasn't rejecting him by choice but it still hurt when she admitted that she couldn't stand being close to him, and he feared that she might never get over that – that she would be repulsed by him so long that they never would be able to have a real relationship again, and if that was the case he wasn't sure if he could handle it.

A quiet, discreet, but yet disturbing, sound suddenly got his attention and he opened his eyes instantly realizing what it was… or who it was. Sydney's subtle crying really got to him, and if he hadn't been convinced that she didn't want to be too close to him, he would have turned over to hold her and somehow try to soothe her pain. But at this point he didn't dare, fearing that he in some way might succeed in making things worse.

Once again having been overwhelmed by her emotions, Sydney was lying on her side, her back turned on Vaughn, trying to make herself stop crying. She didn't want him to hear her, knowing that she had sent him plenty of mixed signals throughout the night, and she realized that he wouldn't know how to react to her outburst. Therefore she lay perfectly still, trying not to disturb him, wishing that she could somehow magically change the way she felt about him and let herself be cuddled, held and touched by the man she loved so truly.

And as they lay there, their backs nearly touching, they looked as comfortable as any other couple getting ready to go to sleep, but the truth was that even though they were sharing a bed, lying intimately close to one another, they felt as though they were further apart then they ever had been before.


	4. Chapter 4

'I'm sorry that our session today has to be cut short but I've been called to a meeting…' Dr. Barnett was sending Sydney a calming smile when she closed the door behind them, adding, '…so we'll have to settle for a quick talk and then reschedule. If that's okay with you.' Their eyes met briefly before Sydney sat down on a stylish beige couch, replying,

'Sure, that's fine,' watching Barnett walk towards her, on the way picking up a small notebook and a pen, hereafter sitting down in a chair in front of her. The doctor's blue eyes were constantly seeking eye contact and every time she got it, she somehow succeeded in reassuring her patient, without words convincing her that every feeling or thought that might go through her head was okay, that she could speak freely because within these four walls no one would be judging her – all she would receive was help.

Barnett knew better than anyone how much support and understanding women in Sydney's situation needed, especially those who had undergone mental torture in connection with the rape – just as the young woman sitting in front of her had. The fact that she had known her assailant, already despising him before the attack, made a huge difference – it gave the attacker an opportunity to verbally abuse his victim, misuse the knowledge he had of her personal life to get to her mentally and emotionally, in that way turning the rape in to much more than just an act of violence.

Studying Sydney closely Barnett tried figuring out what her state of mind was at that moment – watching the way her patients looked, their mimic, gestures and posture gave her a pretty good idea of how well they responded to the therapy, of how well they where progressing, because she knew their body language didn't lie. People, however, did. Remembering their first session Dr. Barnett was convinced that Sydney had improved tremendously. Just a few weeks ago she had been a wreck, at first almost constantly in tears, but not many sessions later she changed her behavior pattern completely suddenly coming across as incredibly emotionally restrained. She wasn't able to talk about anything in her personal life and she was constantly ashamed, scared and guilty, fearing that she would lose her boyfriend, her job and herself. Now, Barnett concluded, Sydney was beginning to find herself. There was a special glow about her today, the way she walked, the way she held her head, and especially the look in her eyes, all indicating that she had had some kind of breakthrough since their last meeting – for the first time in 3 weeks she actually looked happy.

'So, how are you doing today?' The rather casual question was delivered with such warmth and compassion that Sydney instantly relaxed, with almost no consideration answering,

'I actually feel great…' Not being able to stop herself from smiling she paused, quickly considering whether or not to tell Barnett what had happened only a few hours before, then, as she recalled the incident, feeling a rush of unrestrained happiness fill her, making her exclaim,

'This morning I was standing in the kitchen preparing breakfast as Michael came into the room, and when I saw him I…' her eyes were sparkling, '…I felt this intense love for him! Like I used to! And without any restrictions or concerns I found myself walking up to him just putting my arms around his neck…' Anticipating that her voice was going to break she cleared her throat, briefly pausing until she was sure that no tears were going to announce their presence. She was just so happy. Ever since the assault she had wanted to be able to enjoy Vaughn's touch, to feel his arms around her without them evoking some terrible memory inside her, and suddenly her wish had come true – her body was no longer deceiving her. Knowing that Barnett was patiently waiting for her to continue she looked up, once again smiling, while she said,

'When I realized that I was able to hug Michael without being reminded of Sark I was so relieved! Instead of feeling awkward I felt so safe and loved and I was just so grateful…' she looked down, the expression on her face changing as she added,

'…because that meant that I could touch him now and that's a start at least…' Her last comment had been said with a hint of sadness, because she knew that being able to hug and touch her boyfriend didn't sound like much of an accomplishment, and deep down she still doubted if she would never be able to enjoy kissing and making love to Vaughn again. Somehow that still seemed wrong.

'I'm very happy for you Agent Bristow, that just shows how well you're improving,' Dr. Barnett said, and while she quickly wrote something down, she added, 'and even though a hug might not seem like much…' she looked up with a knowing smile, '…I'm sure the rest will follow!'

Seeing Sydney respond with a subtle but yet noticeable bewilderment, Barnett knew that her prediction had been accurate – as so many other rape victims Sydney couldn't picture herself in any sexually charged situation yet, because it was tremendously difficult for her to connect any type of physical passion with an act that had caused her so much pain and degradation. It was hard for a lot of women to stop equating sex with violence and powerlessness but in this case Barnett was almost positive that Sydney soon would be able to enjoy sex again. After all, she did have the most powerful tool at hand – a loving, compassionate, respectful boyfriend.

Sydney's puzzled expression had turned into a look of relief when Barnett asked,

'Now when we're speaking about Agent Vaughn…' she tilted her head, '… how would you say he has responded to all of this?'

Even though having expected a question like that Sydney couldn't really decide how to answer. She loved Vaughn and he had treated her with nothing but care and respect, but there were still some things she wished he would handle differently, and she needed to think her answer through carefully so Barnett wouldn't misunderstand what she was trying to say. Her intension wasn't to put Vaughn on the spot, but she had to be truthful, and therefore she answered,

'He has been very sweet and loving, making sure that nothing he did would trigger any unpleasant feelings in me, and at the same time he has been trying to be as comforting as possible but…' frowning slightly she reconsidered how to explain her problem, after a short while continuing,

'…sometimes he is just too gentle, pampering me like I'm unable to do anything myself, protecting me to such a degree that it's making me crazy! And I've told him that I can take care of myself, that he doesn't have to watch over me all the time, but he doesn't seem to listen… he worries all the time…' she felt herself getting agitated, '…we even had a fight a couple of days ago about him not wanting me to go on missions yet! Like that's not a decision I can make on my own!'

Realizing how worked-up she had gotten over what seemed to be a minor detail, she felt a little embarrassed, still not being used to revealing some of her inner most feelings to someone who had barely been more than a stranger just a few weeks before. She needed a close personal bond with someone before she usually was able to share her feelings with them and it seemed odd just blurring things like these out. Barnett quickly picked up on Sydney's uneasiness, asking her another question to remind her of something she had been told so many times before,

'You have every right to feel the way you do, and I'm sure your feelings are justifiable…' she looked her straight in the eyes, as if wanting to underline what she had just said, '…but I can ensure you that Agent Vaughn's reaction is completely normal – a lot of men in his position feel this way, because they're afraid that something just as terrible might happen once more, threatening to ruin both their own and their loved one's life.' She leaned forward, adding,

'What you need to do is tell him that his overprotective behavior is hindering you from regaining the control Sark took from you during the assault – it'll be much harder for you to get better if Agent Vaughn, through his actions, are implying that you aren't capable of being in charge of your own life…' seeing the distress on Sydney's face Barnett quickly said, '…if you do that I'm convinced that he'll be able to understand you better and therefore his behavior will change.'

'She makes it sound so simple', Sydney thought, letting Barnett's advice sink in, hereafter nodding, saying,

'I'll try that but I…' she looked away, a hint of bitterness crossing her face while she exclaimed, '…I'm just having trouble admitting that Sark actually did take away my self-control! I don't want that to be true, because that means I have given him the opportunity to have an influence on my life and that's devastating to me, so…'

'…so you want to prove to the world that he didn't do anything to make you lose control – that you're still the same strong, independent, self-reliant spy you were before the attack…and what better way to do that than to go on missions again,' Dr. Barnett said, finishing Sydney's sentence after she herself had stopped talking.

There was no response to Barnett's conclusion – somehow Sydney couldn't really decide if the doctor was right, if she only insisted on going on mission so soon because it was the perfect way to stop Vaughn from pitying her or if she really was ready to go back to work. She couldn't figure herself out.

Not really having expected an answer Dr. Barnett asked,

'Try imagining that you did go on a mission very soon and…' she lifted her eyebrows, '…that you somehow met Sark! You are standing there face to face with the man who is guilty of making your life so much more complicated…' she put her elbows on her knees, leaning forward, this way implying the importance of her next question, '…how would that make you feel?'

The mere idea of being close to Sark again made a chill run down Sydney's spine and, without intending to, she made it obvious to Barnett that the question had upset her – the earlier so noticeable confidence had left her, the glow in her eyes being replaced by insecurity and anger, when she considered how she would handle such a situation. Her first thought was to get back at the son of a bitch, to hurt and torture him, killing him even crossed her mind, but she didn't want anyone to know that she had those feelings – telling Barnett would probably result in her being taken off field duty – so instead of being truthful, she said,

'I would concentrate on doing my best to capture him…'

'That's not what I asked…' almost having interrupted Sydney immediately Barnett continued, '…I'm not interested in what you would do, Agent Bristow, I want to know how such an experience would make you feel!' Having made her comment with a tone underlining the authority of her expertise she had purposely sounded a little harsh, wanting to remind Sydney how important it was to focus on feelings instead of rationalized thoughts.

Feeling edgy and a little irritable Sydney snapped,

'How do you think I would feel! The bastard raped me, making me fear for my life, so don't you think I would be angry! Pissed! Vindictive!' She was hurling out words and Barnett was just looking at her, pleased that Sydney finally was able to express her true feelings regarding Sark – a subject she had been so good at getting around during their previous sessions.

Immediately regretting her outburst Sydney covered her face with her hands, nervous about Barnett's reaction and deeply wishing that she could take it all back. She knew that Barnett had the power to exclude her from all CIA missions if there were any doubts about whether or not she would put her own feelings before the interest of the agency, and she desperately wanted to part of the team whose job it was to capture both Sloane, Sark and her mother. With an intension to correct her statement she therefore looked at the doctor, but before she got the chance to speak, Barnett said,

'I can only imaging how tempting it must be for you to try and seek vengeance when you know that that is the only way Sark will ever be punished for what he has done to you, but I strongly advice against that Agent Bristow…' there was something about the way she had said the word strongly that indicated some kind of double meaning to Barnett's statement, and the doctor's eyes became only more ambiguous as she continued,

'…that said, I want you to know that because you have come to see me as a private person, not as a CIA-employee, I'm not obliged to inform the agency about whether or not I believe you are fit to serve as a field-agent…' she stared at her…'I'm only bound by law to do that if I suspect you pose a serious threat to Sark when coming in contact with him…' she nodded affirmatively, '…and I'm correct if I say that you wouldn't be a threat. Right?'

Never breaking eye contact Sydney struggled to figure out what the doctor was trying to tell her. It didn't make sense – she had just admitted to be a ticking bomb waiting to go off, full of hatred, anger and bitterness, so how could Dr. Barnett say that it was safe for the agency to let her stay field ready! How could she vouch for that as a psychologist? Slightly frowning, indirectly letting Barnett know that she wasn't quite following, Sydney replied,

'No matter the circumstances the interest of the agency will always be my first priority – I can ensure you of that…'

'Clever answer,' Barnett thought, quietly crossing her legs, while writing a few words down in her notebook. She was convinced that Sydney had noticed the ambiguity of the question asked, but at the same time it was clear that the statement she had tried to make non-verbally had to be clarified to be fully understood. The problem just was that the message she tried getting across to her client wasn't something that could be discussed openly. If Barnett ever spoke her mind on this subject during one of her sessions, and it somehow became publicly know, she was at the risk of losing her job – and her license. With that in mind she pushed some hair away from her face, thinking her next move through before asking,

'Wouldn't you say that it is in the agency's best interest to have an agent who is mentally stabile before attempting to begin…'

'Which I am!' Sydney interrupted, only sparking a quick reaction from Barnett,

'See, I don't think you are! I believe you are very angry and bitter and that those feelings will cloud your judgment! And that is why you do have to take revenge…' looking serious, her eyes locking on Sydney's, Barnett suddenly put on an affected smile, continuing, '…in a non-literal way of course!'

'Yes of course,' Sydney said with stunned surprise as her defensiveness left her completely. Was she hearing this right! Did Barnett actually encourage her to get back at Sark!

Seeing the inquiring expression on Sydney's face, Barnett spontaneously smiled, nodding her head a few times, when feeling convinced that her implications had been understood. She knew her intensions were morally despicable but in this case she didn't care – it was essential for rape-victims to somehow find closure, to feel safe and in control again, and those feelings often occurred in them when their assailant was brought to justice. Sark would never be punished for what he had done, meaning that Sydney wouldn't get the chance to experience how the balance of power between them could change, how she suddenly would be the one in control, stripping Sark of every thread of power he once had had over her. But if Sydney did take the law into her own hands, it would be her chance to regain control, making it easier for her to return to the life she had before the attack, to live every day without a feeling of fear, insecurity and guilt. And that was something Barnett wanted that so badly for this young woman in particular, because she knew that Sydney had been through enough as it was, and even though she might not be able to vouch for her actions on a professional basis she most definitely could on a personal one – as a woman, Barnett wanted Sydney to get her revenge more than anything.

Knowing that she had to finish what she had started, Barnett said,

'There is one method through which you might be able to get your 'revenge' – if you would let me, I could hypnotize you, in that way make you go back to the day of the assault, put you face to face with Sark once again, but this time we alter the events so that you win! That would possibly help you regain control over your life, but naturally…' the look of ambiguity reappeared in her eyes, '…nothing is certain.' With a glance at her watch she added,

'But that is something we'll have to discuss next time, because I have to get going – I don't want that meeting starting without me.'

With a subtle sigh of relief Sydney got up, feeling ready to leave right away but knowing that Barnett wouldn't let her go before they had rescheduled. She knew it was for the best but after every session she always dreaded the next one, because they were so emotionally hard on her – this one having been no exception. Barnett's implications had been hard for her to grasp but at this point she was almost certain that she had in fact understood them correctly – for some reason Barnett had made it clear that even though she was expecting a serious clash between the two of them if they met, she still wasn't going to report Sydney to the agency. She was just going to let it happen, and, as grateful as Sydney was, she just didn't get it. But she had decided that Barnett's motives didn't matter – as long as she wouldn't stop her from getting to Sark, her reasons wasn't important.

'How does the 18th at 8:30 sound?' Barnett asked as she was flipping through her calendar, searching for different open spots in the nearest future.

'Sounds fine' Sydney replied, smiling gratefully while adding, 'I'll see you then.'

'Take care,' Barnett said with a smile, watching the young woman as she moved towards the door, feeling proud when she saw her walking away with the same graceful dignity she had possessed before the assault. She was going to fine – Sydney was going to be all right.

- - - - -

Walking into the CIA's main office Sydney had a feeling that every eye in the room was resting on her. The paranoid idea of everyone talking about her, about the assault, wouldn't leave her, even though she knew that the chances of anyone knowing what had happened were minimal – neither she, Vaughn or Barnett had told anyone so how could they know? All they had been told was that she had taken a short personal leave of absence, the reason for which was kept a secret. So of course people were guessing, but no one could know. She told herself that every time she came into the room, and, as it used to, her uneasiness slowly subsided.

When she reached her desk a familiar voice made her look up,

'Hey', Vaughn said, when walking up behind her, remembering to announce his presence to avoid startling her.

'Heey', she replied, a sincere smile crossing her face as she felt his hand sliding over her loin, gently pressing her towards him in such a way, that it didn't make his act of affection to obvious to their fellow employees.

'How did it go today?' he asked, enjoying how Sydney was embracing his touch instead of rejecting it, making it almost impossible for him to keep his hands off of her. After the break-through she had had this morning he was feeling very optimistic – now he dared hoping that their relationship would turn back to normal, that they could go back to the life they had had before the attack, and he too felt happier today than he had since the night Sydney had told him her secret. Life was slowly getting better.

'It went well, Barnett let me know that she has decided to keep me field-ready', she said, and when seeing him look down she added, 'I know you don't think I'm ready but trust me, I really am…' she took his hand, '…so please let me make this decision on my own!'

Without looking up he nodded, knowing that he couldn't keep trying to control her life, but still wanting so badly to stop her from going on missions yet. It was too soon, he was convinced of that but he knew it ultimately was her decision and he didn't want to start a discussion. He therefore said,

'I will, but I'm not happy about it Syd…'

'I know you aren't', she replied, squeezing his hand as he looked up, the expression on his face reveling exactly how scared he was for her – if something else happened to her he would lose his mind… he was sure of it.

'By the way, Kendall asked me to tell you that we have a debriefing in half an hour regarding Sloane and your mother…' he let go of her hand, '…and I have a few things to take care of before that so I'll see you there okay?'

She nodded, and when he turned to leave she took a hold of her calendar, wanting to write down her appointment with Barnett so that it wouldn't slip her mind. Grabbing a pen off her desk she started flipping through the pages, naming the days in her head as they came along,

'10th , 11th, 12th, 13th , 14th, 15th…' suddenly stopping, her breath catching in her throat as she turned back a few pages, realizing that something was missing… 'No, it can't be', she whispered, frantically flipping through the pages once more to make sure that she hadn't just missed the small mark always situated in the corner of the 11th – but no, it wasn't there and as a wave of understanding flushed over her she took a firm hold on the desk, feeling like she was going to pass out. Taking a few deep breaths she tried to stay calm, reminding herself where she was, but it seemed impossible for her to suppress the panic rapidly spreading through her body – she was never late, never ever late, so it could only mean…and she and Vaughn hadn't…so it could only be… Just the thought of any part of Sark still being in her made her sick, and, as the rape started repeating itself in her head, her recollections of that day suddenly became very real – she could once again feel him, taste him, hear him, smell him – Oh God, that awful smell! His breath, sweat, semen, it was everywhere, on her, in her, and she couldn't get it off! She would never get it off!

'I have to get out,' she thought, feeling more and more nauseated, reproaching herself for not having seen this coming, for not having realized that it was a possibility, hell, for not even having noticed that she'd missed her period! But in the last few weeks she had been so occupied with getting past this devastating experience of hers, that she hadn't given it a thought – it hadn't even crossed her mind once…

A lone tear escaped from the corner of her eye as she started walking towards the door, just wanting to get away – she felt so helpless, not being able to understand why this was happening to her! Hadn't she been through enough!

Determent to leave the office as quickly, but unnoticeably, as possible she picked up her pace when the feeling of a hand on her shoulder made her spin around, the touch instantly sending a shudder of fear and disgust through her.

'Sydney, are you okay?'

Dixon's question was accompanied by a frown of concern, only intensifying when he saw the truly terrified look in Sydney's eyes, and he quickly added,

'What's wrong?'

Not knowing how to answer, how to explain her seemingly odd behavior, she merely shook her head, saying,

'I'm just…I…' then pausing, being at a total loss of words. What was she suppose to tell him? The truth! There was no where in hell she could do that but still she wanted to shout it at him, let him know that Sark had raped, degraded, and diminished her, perhaps even…gotten her pregnant. That she might be carrying that bastard's child…

'I…I've got to go…' she finally uttered, her tearful voice speaking more truly of her distress than her words, and she felt her eyes burning as she turned around, leaving Dixon in a few hasty strides. This whole thing was so unfair – for a little more than three week now she had been struggling with the repercussions from the rape, trying to conquer her fear, shame and guilt, to regain the feeling of safety she used to know with her boyfriend, and she was actually improving! She no longer woke up every night, bathed in sweat and crying her eyes out, because her cruel nightmares where so vivid that she felt like she'd been raped all over again. She no longer dreaded Vaughn's touch, because the therapy she'd went through had helped her regain the basic trust she had lost when Sark violated her so thoughtlessly. And, most important of all, she was now able to go several hours without thinking about Sark or the assault – her life was slowly getting better. Or so it had seemed. Now, as she was wiping away her tears, she felt like she was right back where she had started 3 weeks ago. Her life was a mess…again.

- - - - -

The day's debriefing had seemed to last forever and it had been impossible for Sydney to get her mind around anything but the problem she was facing. None of what Kendall had said had sounded important to her and for the first time in her life she was actually glad that they didn't have any leads on Sloane, because that meant that she could go home and find out if her biggest fear had come true – if the rape really had resulted in her being pregnant. At that time she just wanted to know but now, as she was standing in her bathroom staring at the home-pregnancy test lying on the sink, she most of all wanted to toss it through the room. No result was better than a positive one.

Moving towards the sink she picked up the small piece of plastic, her hands trembling as she walked to the toilet, thinking,

'Just pee on the stick…that's all I've got to do…' then sitting down, trying to relax. It didn't take long before a huge, but rather desperate, grin crossed her face and she exclaimed,

'Great, now I can't even pee!' Her free hand covering her mouth as the grin turned into a look of despair and hurt accompanied by a sob underlining her feeling of hopelessness. It had to be negative, she couldn't handle it otherwise… she didn't know what to do if it wasn't…

- - -

Having done what she had to do Sydney put the test back on the sink, setting the alarm on her cell phone so it would be ringing after 2 minutes, then sitting down on the side of the bathtub, impatiently glancing in the direction of the test every 5 seconds. She tried closing her eyes, to think about something else, something nice, but all she could get her mind around was how her life could be changed just a few minutes from now, how there might be a child growing inside her – Sark's child…but still also hers…

Letting a hand rest on her stomach she frowned, thinking about what to do if she actually was pregnant. She could only think of two options: to keep the baby or…to get an abortion. Looking down she considered her first option – could she keep a baby who wasn't Vaughn's? Would he be willing to raise a child who wasn't his but Sark's? And if he wasn't what would he do then? Leave her?

Touched by a hint of panic she got up and another thought instantly occurring to her: what about herself? Could she raise and love a child who had been bred in hatred and spite instead of love and affection! A baby who would remind her of what Sark had done to her every day for the rest of her life?

Feeling tears pressing once again she shook her head, mumbling,

'I can't do that…' realizing that that only left one option – abortion. But would she be able to do that? No matter who the father was this child was still a part of her! Her flesh and blood…

A sudden ringing made her freeze, her heart missing a beat as she turned to face the sink, determent to walk over there and get it over with.

'Please not a blue cross, please not a blue cross…' she pleaded while taking a few steps, quickly snatching the test off the sink without looking at it. Holding it in her clenched fist she sent a silent prayer to the heavens, hereafter slowly opening her hand…


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

The small test fell to the floor with a thud the minute Sydney looked at it, her eyes instantly overflowing while she put both her shaking hands over her mouth, trying to stifle an unexpected sob. 'I don't believe it,' she mumbled, quickly bending down to pick up the test, staring at with her wet eyes as if expecting that the result somehow mysteriously could have changed within the last 5 seconds. Realizing that naturally it hadn't, tears welled up in her eyes once again, as she took a few steps, looking out into the room with the same stunned surprise she had expressed when first opening her hand. This was totally unexpected! She hadn't even dared…

'Syd, are you in here?'

Hearing Vaughn's voice she spun around trying to wipe away her tears so he hopefully wouldn't notice that she had been crying, but as he entered the room, his charismatic smile broadening at the sight of her, she soon found out that he didn't need to see her tears to figure out that something had upset her – they knew each other so well by now that it was almost impossible for them to keep things from one another, because every feeling expressed, or suppressed, always showed itself in some discreet fashion revealing exactly how they felt whether they intended to or not. And Vaughn had seen this side of Sydney all too many times these past weeks and he knew exactly what it meant – the look in her eyes, the frightened and guilty expression on her face told him that something had reminded her of the assault, almost sending her back to the mental state she had been in at that time, and seeing her like this only convinced him that his fears about her going on missions again were justified. If memories could do this to her, then how would she react to meeting Sark in person? He didn't dare guessing.

But even though he recognized her reaction it seemed to be a little different this time – she looked frightened and guilty all right, her eyes bearing the crucial evidence of her distress, but at the same time there was something that didn't fit in. Her appearance lacked the usual sign of submissiveness, the humble, devastated look of someone who had just been severely miss-treated, and even though that pleased Vaughn it also confused him. Somehow Sydney looked both happy and sad at the same time.

'Sydney, sweetie, what's the matter?' he asked, his smile already being long gone as he walked towards her, just wanting to take care of her as well as he could. But when he got a little closer his eyes fell on the test in her hand, and his astonished reaction was obvious,

'How can you…no, I mean…do you think you are…', he stuttered as he nodded towards the test, wanting to indicate what he was talking about.

Sydney glanced at the object in her hand, then looked at Vaughn, tears of sweet relief once more running down her cheeks as she sobbed,

'I thought I might be, but look…' she held up the test, smiling the best she could '…it's negative! It was a false alarm!' Having made her last comment as she walked up to him she put her arms around his neck, feeling the soothing effect his touch had begun to have on her again, immediately noticing how Vaughn also relaxed the minute he was convinced that she actually wasn't pregnant. Just standing there for some time Vaughn suddenly broke the silence, whispering,

'It's not that I'm not happy that test was negative…' he nuzzled her neck, '…but it really would be nice to have kids with you some day.'

Pulling away she looked him in the eyes, surprised that he hadn't presumed the obvious; that the baby she had thought she might be carrying most likely wasn't his. But should she tell him that? Did it matter now? Having seen the inquiring look on her face, Vaughn frowned, not knowing what he had done to puzzle her in such a way, and he said,

'Tell me what's on your mind. It doesn't matter what it is I can handle it.'

There was no doubt that he seriously meant what he said, and it was comforting to know that there was nothing she could do or say that would scare him away. So with some hesitation she therefore told him,

'It's been a long time since you and I have had sex Vaughn, and we always protect ourselves…' she took his hand, entwining her fingers with his while adding,

'…so if I had been pregnant the baby would most likely have been…'

'Don't say it!' Vaughn interrupted, his eyes glazing over with fury as he realized, way too vividly, what she was talking about. His imaginary version of the rape played in his head, as it had done so often right after the assault, making all his angry and guilty feelings reappear, only this time they were worse than usual. Knowing that Sark's intensions had been to hurt and humiliate Sydney as much as possible was bad enough, but suddenly realizing that an act as terrible and despicable as a rape could have resulted in creating something as wonderful as new life was just too much for him to take. It hurt him unbearably to consider the fact that Sark indeed could have made a child with Sydney, with the woman _he_ loved, and the thought made him feel utterly awful. Not just on Sydney's behalf but also on his own – it made him feel less of a man knowing that he hadn't been able to stop this bastard from not only raping and dehumanizing his girlfriend but also from making her fear that her rapist had gotten her pregnant. And as he stood there, looking into the eyes of the woman he loved so deeply, all the vindictive feelings that lay buried deep within him surfaced, rigging his thoughts with several different ways of giving that son of a bitch what he deserved. If he could have just 10 minutes alone with that creep he would teach him a lesson too severe to forget. 10 minutes was all he asked for.

'You don't have to say it…I get the picture…' he almost hissed, his anger and fury shining through him as he abruptly retrieved his hand, starting to rush out of the room with long hasty strides. Without even thinking about it he grabbed a vase from the bathroom counter, tossing it against the wall in powerlessness before he disappeared through the door.

'Vaughn…? Vaughn!' Sydney cried, the confusion being painted on her face when she, a few seconds later, heard the sound of the front door slamming.

- - - - -

A faint breeze forced Sydney to pull her blanket tighter around herself as it discreetly announced Vaughn's return. Even though she knew he had come home she didn't move but continued to sit and stare at some random tv-show playing on the television in front of her. Feeling Vaughn's weight beside her as he sat down on the couch she turned her head locking her angry eyes on his, coercing him into to saying or doing something. Anything. She needed him to explain himself.

'Listen Syd, I didn't mean to…' he started, reaching for her hand while hoping that the touch would mend some of her hurt feelings, but the moment his fingers brushed against hers she moved her hand with a quick, annoyed motion. It was clear that this time her reaction hadn't been caused by the continued discomfort she felt around men, but by a completely normal feeling of desertion – she was angry with him for leaving like that, and her patience was running out,

'I can't believe you ran out on me like that!' Her voice was cold and harsh, in no way disguising how she really felt, and Vaughn's bad conscience made him react instantly,

'And I'm sorry about that Syd, because I know that I told you I could handle anything, but you can't possibly understand how hurt I felt when you…'

'Hurt! What made you feel hurt! I haven't been raped any more or less just because I thought I was pregnant! So what changed so drastically that you had to walk away in rage?' Her anger was carrying her away and she was, perhaps unfairly, taking him apart,

'Why couldn't you be there for me! Why wouldn't you support me?'

'Because I love you god damn it!' He had gotten up, his face curled up in a frustrated frown as he, almost by accident, exclaimed how he truly felt about her. Recognizing her shocked surprise he continued,

'When you told me that Sark had raped you I was so angry, wanting nothing more than to find and kill that bastard, but I didn't do or say anything because I knew it was you I had to focus on… he wasn't important…' trying to hide his uneasiness he added, '…but when I realized that Sark could have made a child with you Syd I just…lost it! I'm the one who loves you, I'm the one you should have children with, not some violent, malicious creep who forces himself on you! I had to find him and…' running out of words he shook his head while watching Sydney approach, the look in her eyes having changed radically in the last few seconds.

'I didn't know you felt this way… I'm really sorry Vaughn…' she almost whispered, feeling utterly shameful as she put her hand on his cheek, trying the best she could to show him how much she regretted her earlier comments. She hadn't considered the fact that her sadness and pain naturally effected Vaughn and she felt awful for not having known that he probably suffered almost as much as she did.

'It's doesn't matter,' he said, holding her just a bit tighter than before, 'I guess we could call it even!'

With a warm smile he looked at her, discretely taking his time to notice her pleasant womanly scent, the exhilarating feeling of her touch and the breathtaking beauty of her face. Never had he known a woman with such magnificent features and at that moment he had to restrain himself not to kiss the fullness of her lips or to let his hands explore her strong, sensual body. But even though he wanted her with every fiber in his body he knew that that was a line he shouldn't cross – Sydney had to be one to make the first move not him, but it had been so long since they'd been together and he really, really missed her.

'You know one thing though?' Sydney asked, reacting to his smile with genuine relief, 'Even if we might be even now…' the playfulness was showing in her eyes, '…the broken glass in the bathroom wont clean itself up!'

He couldn't help but smile at her comment, thinking about just how typical it was of Sydney not to clean up the glass because she wanted to teach him a lesson. And it was exactly one of the reasons why he loved her – she wouldn't let herself be bossed around. By anyone. Mentally repeating those three words of affection he felt a lump in his throat when realizing that Sydney actually hadn't said them back. She hadn't told him that she loved him too and that was very unsettling for him, because what if it turned out that she didn't! That wasn't something he wanted to think about.

'If you open a bottle of wine…' he said, gently caressing the arch of her back, '…I'll take care of the bathroom.'

He let his fingers linger on her back just a few seconds before breaking away, and when he saw the slightly flustered look on her face he watched her with surprise, finding it hard to believe that she had actually responded physically to his touch. It naturally pleased him but it also confused him to some point, because now it made even less sense that she hadn't told him that she loved him too…

As Vaughn left the room Sydney walked into the kitchen, retrieving a nice, cold bottle of white wine from the fridge while feeling exactly as surprised by her own reaction as Vaughn had been. Was she really ready to be intimate with him? Her body seemed to think she was…

Silently pouring wine into two glasses she wondered about the night's events and, in particular, what Vaughn had said to her. She felt guilty for not having told him that she loved him too, because she did from the bottom of her heart, but in spite of that she didn't want to let him know how she really felt before she was also able to actually show him how important he was to her. She wanted to save that moment for a time where she could kiss him and she wasn't sure if she was ready yet – no matter what her body told her.

Hearing Vaughn return from the bathroom she picked up the glasses, elegantly walking in his direction offering him one of them. As he took it their eyes met and Sydney instantly noticed an intensity in her boyfriend's eyes that she hadn't seen in a long time – he looked so happy, so in love, and she couldn't stop herself from reacting to his fierce, charismatic eyes with a warm feeling of attraction. Looking at him she realized how much she missed the relationship they had had at what seemed to be ages ago, and she was happy about the fact that she now was beginning to respond to his subtle sexual requests. That meant that she was at least one step closer to a normal life again.

Without saying a word she smiled, taking his hand, but at the same second the phone rang and Vaughn quickly let her go to pick it up. Watching him Sydney could see how the expression on his face changed and as he hung up she asked with concern,

'Who was it?'

He didn't hesitate to reply,

'Kendall – he wants us to come in right away…' he frowned, '…they have a lead on Sloane…'

- - - - -

People were scattering in all directions at the sight of the young, authoritarian brunette coming towards them with a lowered gun and a fierce look of concentration and determination in her dark, ominous eyes. She quickly, but efficiently, scanned the hallway she was running through, oblivious to anything or anyone that couldn't help her in her search for the two people she was, by now, desperate to find and capture. She knew they were both in the building looking to download the results of some new genetic research and she realized that it was not only important to keep Derevko and Sark from getting their hands on this valuable technology, it was also the perfect opportunity for the agency to in capture two of the country's most wanted terrorists. But neither of those reasons were on Sydney's mind as she turned a corner leading her further into the heart of Brucker Biotech – all she could think about was getting to Sark and somehow, someway she hadn't dared consider yet, make him pay for what he had done to her.

Hearing nothing but her own heavy breathing Sydney found herself in the more distant quarters of the building, getting dangerously close to the main computer, the only source from which Sark and her mother could get the information they needed. The adrenalin was pumping through her as she realized just how close Sark might actually be – chances were that she would run into him before long and even though that seemed favorable it was also something she genuinely dreaded, because there was no way of predicting her own reaction. She might freeze, stunned by both the sight and the memory of him, of his actions, or maybe she would be able to stay calm, emanating the same cold superiority as she usually did under similar circumstances.

Taking a few deep breaths she proceeded down a corridor, forcing herself to think in a strategic fashion making her push her feelings aside, when she suddenly heard the loud noises of people struggling followed by a single gunshot. Without thinking about it she turned back, running towards the door from which the sound had come.

- - -

The stairway was completely empty. With one cautious step after the other Vaughn followed a fellow CIA agent as they were nearing the top ledge of the stairs, both carrying guns ready to use if necessary. It had been a long time since Vaughn had been so nervous on a mission and he knew exactly why he felt this way today of all days – this was the first time since the assault that Sydney actually had the chance to meet Sark again, and Vaughn still doubted if she would be able to handle that or if Sark, once again, would find a way to hurt her, not just physically but also emotionally. It would have been best if Sydney had never went to Stuttgart with the rest of the team, he was sure of that, but now when they were here he had to face the fact that there was no way of stopping her from pursuing Sark at any cost. So, to stop himself from worrying too much, he had spent all day remembering the things that made Sydney such a brilliant spy – that way reminding himself of why she was more than capable of looking out for herself. But he still wasn't convinced, because he knew that there were two sides to Sydney, that she wasn't just the strong, intelligent, rational spy she always appeared to be, but also a soft, emotional, and sometimes insecure person. And it was that part of her he was afraid to lose if she had too many bad experiences – he knew she would always be an excellent spy, but it was her as a person he worried about.

Watching as the agent in front of him opened a door giving them access to the 3rd floor, Vaughn suddenly noticed movement in the hallway ahead of them but before he had a chance to react his colleague was knocked to the ground with a quick, fierce blow. Getting ready to defend himself Vaughn caught the eyes of his attacker and as he recognized Sark he froze for just a second, stunned by the many emotions washing over him that instant – he felt an anger so intense that it was hard to manage, his vindictive feelings almost overcame him as he realized that this was the chance he had been waiting for. He no longer cared about the agency or any genetic research – all he was interested in was finally getting an opportunity to defend Sydney's honor. At last he had that malicious bastard right where he wanted him and now he had to pay!

But the surprise he had felt when seeing Sark had its unfortunate consequences – instead of Vaughn making the first move Sark had already jumped at him, grabbing his arm and banging it against banister in an attempt to make him drop his gun. But, as if Vaughn saw this as a wake-up call, he succeeded in freeing himself, in response twisting Sark's arm in such a way that he dropped his gun instead, hereafter hitting him in the face to get him away. As if wanting to return the favour Sark instantly slammed his elbow into Vaughn's face, quickly thereafter pushing him up against a wall making him lose his gun before being shoved into the banister once more. When Sark struck again Vaughn managed to avoid the blow, in return hitting Sark across the face, making him take a few unsteady steps down the stairway, placing him just a few feet below Vaughn. Stopping a blow from above him Sark hit his opponent right in the kidneys making Vaughn crouch for only a second – but a second was all Sark needed to kick the back of Vaughn's legs making him lose his footing and stumble to the ledge below him. With a swift motion Sark picked up a gun, instantly turning around, pointing it at the man at the end of the stairs.

Knowing it would be impossible for him to get away Vaughn lay perfectly still staring into the eyes of the young, blond man coming towards him with a raised gun and a cold, stern look on his face. There wasn't a doubt in Vaughn's mind that Sark was going to shoot him and he was surprised when his opponent suddenly stood still, lightly shaking his head while sending Vaughn a sarcastic, condescending smile, saying,

'I told Sydney you weren't man enough for her…' he lifted his brows, '…and now I've proven my point…don't you think?'

Taking a few steps he continued,

'Do you really believe that a man like you who can't even stick up for himself, non the less anyone else, deserves a woman like Sydney!'

Pausing as if expecting an answer Sark was staring at the man lying on the ledge in front of him but Vaughn had no intensions of saying or doing anything that might make the gun pointed to his chest go off any sooner than intended. The only thing he did was therefore returning the stare while Sark dismissively shook is head adding,

'I didn't think so, but don't worry…' his smile returned, '…I'll be more than happy to take her off your hands…again!'

The comment was like a blow to his stomach and Vaughn felt every jealous, vindictive feeling fill him again as he saw the vicious, self-satisfied look in Sark's blue eyes. Every part of him wanted to get up and fight but he was trapped and it was obvious that moving more than an inch would be nothing short of suicide – he therefore tried to appear calm but inside he was fighting every second to keep his rage under control.

With a smug look on his face Sark smiled enjoying the obvious effect his comments were having on Vaughn but simultaneously realizing that he had to get this over with quickly. He had already attached a detonator to the main computer to make sure that there would be no evidence left of his, and his accomplice's, whereabouts and he knew that he had to be out of the building within the next 5 and a half minutes. In other words, he was in a hurry. With that in mind he got ready to fire when a thought suddenly occurred to him making him exclaim,

'She hasn't told you, has she?' He tried to suppress a smile while asking his question finding Vaughn's obvious bewilderment highly amusing and therefore he quickly added,

'That when I did her she couldn't stop screaming at the top of her lungs…' he took a step forward, his malicious smile broadening, '…begging me for more…'

Blinded by his feelings for Sydney Vaughn suddenly lunged towards Sark who wasn't late to punish him for his recklessness – a single gunshot was fired to his chest making him fall back in pain. Getting ready to shoot the second time Sark raised the gun again when he suddenly heard another gunshot - this one knocking the gun right out of his hand!

- - -

Having followed the loud noises Sydney found herself on the stairway approximately 1 floor above Sark and Vaughn. The sight of Sark had made her pause, memories of that night filling her mind, while her body was eagerly trying to convince her to give in to her fears and run away. But the minute she recognized Vaughn she pushed all other feelings aside, instinctively reaching for her gun and firing without further consideration. Not giving a damn about Sark at the moment Sydney spurted down the stairs yelling out Vaughn's name, hoping that he wasn't too hurt to answer her. When she reached him Sark was already out of the room and Sydney quickly sat Vaughn up unzipping his jacket to make sure that his bulletproof vest had actually done its job. Seeing the bullet fall to the floor she let out a sigh of relief, resting her head against his, hereafter gently kissing his forehead while asking,

'Are you okay?'

He nodded and in a voice saturated with pain he uttered,

'Go get him…I'll be alright, just go get that son of a bitch!'

Without hesitation she got up, sending Vaughn an encouraging glance before running down the stairs. The door to the 2nd floor was open and she chose to believe that it probably was Sark who had left it that way and she therefore ran through it. Knowing that he hadn't had the time to get too far she picked up her pace, running through one corridor after the next, and when she reached one of the buildings more deserted areas again she suddenly saw him turning a corner ahead of her. Following him she ended up in some kind of storage room where she saw him stop, scanning the place to find a way forward, but before he had a chance to continue Sydney drew her gun, demanding,

'Freeze!'

- - - - -


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

The word echoed through the room sending Sydney's message across with such authority that it could seem like Sark actually surrendered right away – he stood completely still, as if having been stopped in a motion, raising his hands in the air to signal his defeat.

As Sydney moved towards him she was surprised by his odd behavior and, without being able to explain it, his submissiveness made her feel even more uneasy than his otherwise crude nature would have. She had both feared and anticipated this day ever since the assault but she had never dared hoping that it would be easy. And in a way she didn't want it to be – it would be so much harder to get her revenge if Sark didn't do anything to spark her hatred towards him, because doing something as immoral as hurting and torturing someone who is unable fight back was so in conflict with her own personal beliefs of right and wrong that she didn't know whether or not she would be able to do it. She needed to see the Sark who raped her, the Sark who just shot her boyfriend, she needed to dehumanize him in every possible way or else she didn't know if she would be able to do what she had to.

Having left his gun on the stairs Sark didn't feel that he had any other option than to stand still until Sydney came within fighting-range, but his impatience was growing fast. There couldn't be more than a couple of minutes left before the entire place would be blown to pieces – including the two of them. Meaning that he had to get out of there. Right now. Only two options came to mind; He either had to render Sydney harmless almost faster than possible and then get the hell out of there, or he had to come clean and leave the next move up to his opponent. The decision wasn't difficult.

'Listen to me Sydney…' he started, instantly being interrupted by a person who's voice was rigged with hatred and repulsion,

'Don't you move, you disgusting low-life, or I'll blow your head off faster then…'

'You have to listen to me!' He repeated, this time with a touch of panic in his voice, 'I placed a bomb on the third floor and within two minutes it'll explode! We have to get out of here!'

Her eyes flickered, revealing a second of indecisiveness, before she once again stared right at her target. Looking utterly untouched by the situation she countered,

'You're working with my mother, correct?' Not needing the confirmation she continued, 'I'm sure the two of you are in radio contact, so tell her that if she doesn't disarm the bomb, you'll die…'

'Since when would Irina Derevko care if I live or die?' He asked with a sarcastic, but yet fearful, smile.

Without any hesitation Sydney answered,

'Then let her know I'll be killed too…Because we're not going anywhere until I'm done with you…'

Locking her eyes on his she watched him as he contacted Derevko telling her what had to be done to prevent her daughter from dying an ill-timed death. And as he gave his partner the 7 digit code used to deactivate the bomb, Sydney did her best to keep her cool, seem 100 per cent convinced that her mother wouldn't just let her die, even though she did have serious doubts.

Feeling as though her heart was sitting in her throat she almost let out a sigh of relief when Sark smiled, asking Derevko to confirm that the bomb actually had been disarmed. He got the confirmation.

'You shouldn't feel too safe yet,' Sydney said, sounding as professional as always, but feeling more and more insecure as the seconds passed – she didn't know if she could do this. Sure, in an even battle she would be more then capable of killing him, but like this? Just executing him like this?

Looking down at him she suddenly smiled, grabbing the gun with both hands as she ordered,

'Turn away from me and put your hands behind your head…' when he did so she quickly lowered the gun while continuing, '…and now, get down on your knees!'

As he did what he was told Sydney walked up in front of him, aiming at his head once again, smiling maliciously at the insecurity appearing in his eyes when she made it seem like she was ready to pull the trigger.

'You can't do this,' Sark said, fighting bravely to keep up his cold appearance, 'I'm convinced you're not authorized to kill me…'

'Of course I'm not,' she replied, grinding her teeth together as she spoke, 'and did you really think that I would just kill you this quickly and painlessly? No, I've got something much better in store for you…'

With her every word she let the gun travel further and further south, not stopping until she was aiming right at his crotch, enjoying the mere panic building up in his eyes when he realized what she was going to do. 'Now you know what it's like, you son of a bitch,' she thought, watching the sweat appearing on his forehead, suddenly remembering a sentence she had been trying to suppress for so long now;

'I want to hear you scream, you bastard!' She hissed, watching him twitch at the recognition of his own words, deciding that now was the time. And then she pulled the trigger.

The silence was deafening. Letting out a sob he had been holding in for as long as he could, Sark opened his eyes, with disbelief looking down at himself to make sure that what he had heard really was true. No shot had been fired…she'd been shooting at him with an unloaded gun. Feeling how his heart was still beating like crazy, tears of both fear and relief burning in his eyes, he kept looking down to avoid Sydney's gaze, and that was when he noticed… he had wet himself… he had pissed on himself out of fear.

It didn't take long before the overriding sense of humiliation kicked in, belittling him to the fullest, making him regret ever having put himself in such a situation. And that was exactly what Sydney had intended. Since she'd stopped him, it had become clear to her that she wouldn't be able to put him through any serious physical torture, but still she wanted to make him just as scared and humiliated as she once had been. And it was evident that she had succeeded.

Swiftly loading her gun she watched the man sitting in front of her, teary-eyed and trembling, and she decided that it was enough – he was already broken. She had the upper hand now, both mentally and physically, and she wasn't going to let him forget it anytime soon. But for now, it was enough.

With 3 quick steps she walked up to him, using the gun to knock him out cold before calmly contacting Vaughn.

- - - - -

Somehow everything seemed so unreal. The ride there had been quiet but pleasant and Sydney could tell that Vaughn had something in store for her she just didn't know what it was. As they pulled over she turned her head, looking inquiringly at Vaughn, asking,

'Where are we? Is this your place?'

Without answering he smiled beginning to open the car door while saying,

'Get out, I want to show you something.'

Doing as he told her she stepped out onto the pavement where Vaughn already was standing taking her hand and leading her towards the building. When they reached the door he quickly slid in behind her putting his hands on her wrists gently holding her back while saying,

'Now, close your eyes…'

Looking back at him, he smiled at her reassuringly, and when she closed her eyes she felt a light trembling as he let go of her with one hand seconds later placing it over her eyes while whispering,

'No peaking', his lips being so close to her ear that she could feel both the warmth of his breath and the very faint touch of his lips on her neck. And, to her own surprise and pleasure, she loved it. It had been about a month since her run-in with Sark and ever since that day her life had started to return to normal – in every possible way. She had found herself not just feeling mentally but also physically attracted to Vaughn again but still nothing had happened. She hadn't let it. Vaughn didn't want to push her into something he wasn't sure if she was ready for and Sydney didn't have the courage to initiate anything herself, because what if it didn't turn out the way she wanted it to? What if she thought she was ready but really wasn't? If being intimate with Vaughn would be awkward and unpleasant, reminding her too much of her bad experience? That would be impossible to bear – not knowing somehow worked better.

Therefore she just enjoyed the moment letting Vaughn guide her in the door, leading her only a few feet into his home before removing his hand, exclaiming,

'Open your eyes…. now!'

The glistening light from at least a hundred candles met her eyes as Sydney looked around in awe at Vaughn's very romantically decorated living room. Trying to tear her eyes away from a beautifully set table in the middle of the room she gazed at Vaughn and he responded by saying,

'I know I haven't been that original but…'

'No, it's beautiful…' Sydney interrupted, smiling teasingly at him while adding, '…as long as you haven't been cocky enough to cover your bed with rose pedals!'

He shook his head, sending her a loving look, while walking towards the kitchen to open a bottle of wine. Finding a corkscrew he watched her fiddle with the tablecloth and as if she could feel his eyes on her, she looked up, meeting his gaze with a wide smile, asking,

'What's the occasion?'

Pouring up the wine, he answered,

'I could give you some clues…' he walked towards her offering her one of the wineglasses, '…let's see; terrible, red Bozo-hair, a horrendous toothache and…'

'That's right,' she exclaimed, brushing some hair away from her face, 'It's October 1…'

'Exactly 2 years since I saw you for the first time…'

He was doing it again. Killing her with those eyes of his, these amazing green eyes so full of love and compassion always took her breath away, and as she stood there, no more than a foot from him, she had to retain herself not to give in to that warm, soothing feeling he had a habit of evoking in her. But for what? Why was she ignoring every signal her body was giving her – good and bad? She'd been doing it right after the assault, pushing herself into an intimate situation with Vaughn she knew she wasn't ready for, and she was doing it now, just the other way around! What was she so afraid of? To actually get her old life back? That was stupid…

Placing her wineglass on the dining table she looked intensely at Vaughn, and, without thinking, she said,

'Put your glass down …'

'Why?' he asked, slowly placing the glass of red wine not far from hers, watching his beautiful girlfriend walk up to him, stating,

'It'll just get in the way…' as she put her hand on the side of his face, letting it slide to the back of his head before leaning in, gently placing her lips on his.

A second or so went by before Sydney felt Vaughn responding to her kiss, but as he did, his lips attentively massaging hers, their tongues meeting in a passionate embrace, she felt as if a stone had fallen from her heart – she was able to love again, in the best use of the word.

As they parted Vaughn noticed a single tear trailing down Sydney's face, and he felt a touch of insecurity, suddenly fearing that he had somehow crossed an invisible line, but when she looked at him it was clear that these tears were tears of relief not of fear or disgust, so instead of stepping away he held her tight, wanting to make sure that she felt just as safe and loved as she deserved to.

And she savored his touch, enjoying the mere feeling of his arms wrapped around her, wanting, no not wanting, needing, to take things one step further. Needing to see if her problems really would work themselves out if she just… gave in to her desires.

Burying her face in his shoulder, noticing how wonderfully he smelled, she whispered,

'I think I'm ready…'

Meeting his eyes she saw him frown, seeming more concerned than exited, and there was a certain touch of nervousness in his voice as he responded,

'You're sure…?'

She nodded, feeling more sure than ever when she took his hand, saying,

'Just lead the way…'

A moment he simply stood there, wanting her more badly than he ever had so it seemed, but at the same time recalling how wrong it had been the last time they had tried being together. The image of Sydney standing beside him, trembling and crying, tucking on her clothes to try and cover up, was still very alive in his memory, and he couldn't handle another episode like that – if the alternative was waiting then that was what he wanted.

But when he looked at her, really looked at her, it was obvious that it was a completely different Sydney standing before him now then it had been those months before – she was no longer intimidated by the closeness, now responding to the feel of him with excitement, and, most important of all, the sparkle in her eye had returned, telling him that this time she really did want him.

So he kissed her, wrapping his arms around her waist, consciously letting a couple of his fingers slide underneath her shirt, just to see if she would allow it. And when the only response he got was her pushing herself closer to him, her fingers caressing the back of his neck, he was convinced. This time she wasn't acting.

'And if I really had covered my bed with rose pedals…' he said as they parted, him leading her towards the door of his bedroom, '…how would my chances be again?'

'Hitting rock bottom,' she replied, looking at him with a teasing grin, as he opened the door, both of them slowly entering.

'Just stand there for a second,' Vaughn said, quickly leaving the room, reentering with some of the many lit candles from other parts of the apartment. Repeating the motion a few times he glanced at Sydney, sending her a relieved and warm smile when he saw how relaxed she looked. It seemed right this time.

Walking up to her he covered her backside with his body, taking both her hands and joining them together on her stomach, while letting kisses trail from her jaw line and down her neck.

'You still want this?' He asked, feeling her loosen one of her hands from his grip, reaching up to him to run it through his hair, as she answered,

'Absolutely, just…' the movement of her hand stopped, '…just take it slow…'

His cheek brushed against hers when he nodded affirmatively, and she closed her eyes as he started stroking the soft skin around her navel, smiling widely when her hopes were confirmed – the images were gone. No more seeing or feeling Sark when Vaughn touched her, not recalling a single feeling from that night, because all she could focus on was how her anticipation rose as Vaughn began opening her shirt buttons one by one.

Sliding the shirt off her shoulders Vaughn swiftly removed his own, listening to Sydney's breathing becoming more shallow as he opened her bra, letting it fall to the floor while cupping her breasts, his own excitement growing at the feeling of her nipples hardening under his eager, but yet tentative, touch.

Warmth filled every inch of Sydney's body as Vaughn spun her around, kissing her much deeper and more passionately than before, and she pushed herself closer to him, letting out a gasp when she felt his big erection pressing against her stomach. The same second Vaughn unhooked her jeans, pulling them off her, and she quickly stepped out of them while fighting with his belt, eager to return the favor.

Both standing in their underwear Vaughn took a hold of Sydney's leg, gently lifting it, letting his hand slide up her inner thigh, leaving what felt as burning marks where ever he touched her. She wrapped her leg around his waist and he lifted her up, carrying her to his bed, where he climbed on top of her, kissing her so intensely that she felt as though every cell in her body was going to explode with pure pleasure.

As their lips parted Sydney took Vaughn's face in her hands, looking deeply into his eyes while saying,

'I love you too, you know that right?'

He smiled, placing a kiss on her lips, answering,

'I thought so, but it was nice to hear…'

And as she looked at her boyfriend, thriving at the sight and feeling of him caressing her with his hands and mouth, she couldn't remember ever being happier. This was as close to Heaven as she would ever get.

The End


End file.
